Enough:: Living in the granted Presence (and How I really pray)

Last week placed me in a new awareness of the tie between enough and today.

On Saturday afternoon, I visited a new vet with my eight year old German Shepherd. The dog had spent the day all too quietly, lethargic actually. I recognized the need for help. I was concerned his stomach had flipped. Lethargy and quiet can be signs of bloat in big dogs. Unfortunately within a few minutes of an xray, he was diagnosed with something much worse. A tumor on his spleen, very likely related to an incurable, aggressive cancer. Over the course of a few hours we decided to go along with surgery at midnight, forty miles from our home. Our dear friend, a nationally recognized veterinary specialist, offered to help us. We trust and respect him like no other doctor.

All along the way: the initial diagnosis, seeing the radiograph of the tumor, hearing the potential outcomes, the harsh percentages with a nasty disease, considering the need for immediate action (the tumor could rupture and cause internal bleeding), hearing the exorbitant cost of surgery at our local emergency vet hospital, transporting the big dog, turning him over to the vet, leaving him, making it through surgery, bringing him home, I realized something new. My prayers aren't always running through my head. They emanate from my heart, my soul, my spirit, where I know and trust God the most, the best, the deepest. My heart cries out to the One I trust with every detail of my life. I remain present. Hearing. Considering. Discerning. And I let my heart and soul and mind pray. Without my intellect getting in the way. Oh, occasionally I touch base and ask for mercy. But I realized how much I wasn't accepting human thinking and was just listening for what I have to do next. Walking out the details I'm provided. Asking questions. Consulting with our vet friend, my husband, and the only child participating, my 14 year old.

When we were finally arrived home in the wee hours of the morning, heading for bed, I considered my prayers. "Oh God, we love this doggy so much and he's only eight years old, please have mercy on us. Let him live." Selfish prayers. For good reason.

I was reasoning with a friend on the phone that eight years isn't very long with the dog you love. She quietly asked me, "What's your one word?" Hmmm...enough. She responded, "Today is enough."

I awakened over the next days to the idea that eight dog years is a long time. But more importantly, that living in God's kingdom is a daily awakening. A daily realization. Where all we have is granted, including the life of a pooch. So I began living in the days of frosting on the cake. Counting each day granted with the dog. And my husband, my kiddos, etc. I find myself appreciating each situation afforded me. The breath of my life.

On Thursday my husband called with an "are you sitting down?" moment. The first round of biopsies came back benign. Impossibly possible. Surprising. Wondrous. More breath. More air.  More granting. More appreciation.

Realistically? Things may change. The statistics could come and get us. But, that's not where I'm living. In the "coulds." I'm living with grateful children, a grateful husband and a grateful heart. We're counting days of gratitude for this four-legged life. Gratitude for living in general.

And, more present, more aware, more voicelessly prayerful.

These granted experiences are enough to change the trajectory of our thinking and our lives. I have the choice to live in the present, in His presence.

Enough:: From abundance.

My flowers in Laura's home. 

When we recognize all we have, really notice all we have, we see that we live in abundance. 

And in that, there is much I want to share. The fun part is this: I think it's gone, whatever it is, and somehow, it returns. 

This morning it was cutting from my pink and lavender abundance. Within an hour, my heart filled looking at the picture of the Sweet Peas in Laura's house. 

Last weekend it was offering these same beautiful flowers to my sweet neighbor, Mrs. A. Within minutes, my other neighbor Anne passed a handful on to me. 

Love is enough when you pass it out, hand it off, give it away. 
Like the Sweet Peas it keeps blooming. 
But Love, unlike the Sweet Peas, is eternal. 

And that is truly enough. 

Enough:: a budget

Truth: I don't know where the line is. I'm learning, but that's it: I'm learning.

Before I even knew there was a My One Word journey, and picked the word enough, I ran a $30MM budget within a giant company, lived a life, had kiddos, made a living, and put money in the bank. But somehow, understanding the difference between a budget, and spending what I have available to spend missed syncing.

In late December I purchased budgeting software: You Need a Budget, YNAB. I started using it right away. It's wonderful. Simple, but for the "pretty aware of my expenses and what I'm spending type" not so easy. For January, February and a lot of March I was doing well. I had a handle on where my debt and expenses sit and, of course, what I have coming in. Sounds like budgeting, right? Well, yes, but, in a huge wall-of-a-moment, I saw what I do with credit (forget about it) and true spending planning (huh?). In the process, I cleared a couple of credit cards and was feeling snappy when I noticed this notation on the budget: Over Budget in January: $xxx, Over Budget in February: $xxx. (It compounds.) Oh dear. I learned that when you account for all your spending and set plans for every dollar (this is the beauty of the YNAB Gain Total Control of Your Money promise) you can actually know where every dollar is supposed to go and where it's actually going. You can assign it a task. I just seemed to be letting some of my spending go into a void. (That would be the credit card/debt void of "I'll get to it later.") I see that without a significant amount of monitoring, money can be sneaky, running off with someone else; a store, an on-line bookseller, a child, without notice or without at least without waking you up to the fact that it is departing. Then it's gone, poof!, gone.

Let me be clear, I'm fairly certain right now that money is a metaphor. Time seems to do this as well. Plan or it's gone, poof!, gone.

This budgeting business has brought a new friend. This one, with whom I'm becoming quite cozy if not a bit uncomfortable is a warm, inviting, quiet and well considered life mate. I introduce: Detailed Planning, a calm, reserved, easy-going but exacting pal. (Ugh! Spur of the Moment Spontaneity, you'll have to take a break, I'm listening through the other ear for now.) There's a pleasant evenness in the relationship. We haven't quite hit peace yet, but I see it in the distance. We are walking through a process together. Me, in non-judgmental awareness, learning, learning, learning. And D.P. with quiet facts about reality and choices.

I pray that my intentions and plans will meet without crushing dreams. Reality is good. Dreams are good. High expectations are good -- when they work together. And being both awake and aware in the process provides excellent stepping stones for this beginning of a new process.

So now, enter MyOneWord: enough.

I have to wonder, how this came to pass in this order? Its my biggest and most appreciative question. And all this while, I'm discovering enough in the midst of what's true, right, and right in front of me.

Enough.

Enough:: John 12

Considering my one word, enough, takes, well, consideration. And time. And noticing.

This morning, studying a chapter in our church-wide read, THE STORY, I was caught up by words from John 12:

⁴² Yet at the same time many even among the leaders believed in him. But because of the Pharisees they would not openly acknowledge their faith for fear they would be put out of the synagogue; ⁴³ for they loved human praise more than praise from God.

I had to ask myself. Is praise from God enough for me? Of course, I want to believe so. But I know my dark and human heart. I perform. For accolades. From man. Call it the plight of a first born. Or one left by a parent. Or just the way my family raised people - to be productive and therefore accepted.

If I don't have a handle on this, if I can't see the truth of it in this earthly life, I'll live on in blissful unawareness. 

Fortunately, I'm awake right now. And the words resonate within: Is this love (for human praise) halting my kingdom purpose here on earth?

Is God's praise enough?